


(I'm Sorry)

by thecoloursinthegravel



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Angst, M/M, Maybe - Freeform, Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-07
Updated: 2017-01-07
Packaged: 2018-09-13 00:01:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 849
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9096379
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thecoloursinthegravel/pseuds/thecoloursinthegravel
Summary: Do you remember the tree? The old oak tree by your grandma’s house?





	

Life is really scary sometimes.

And I’m so glad you were there for me so I could hold your hand.

You’d always ask “You wanna hold my hand?”, as if I was ever going to say no.

I love your hands, I do. They’re so soft and warm and they feel like stability and comfort.

You said one time, when I was really scared and needed a hand to hold, “Josh, you are the most important thing that’s ever happened to me.” And I cried. Because nobody’s ever cared that much, because I was overwhelmed with love, because you just told me exactly what I’d always wanted to hear the most in the world. Because you were too good for me and I knew it would end one day.

Happy sad crying became my thing. Happy happy think too much sad. It was exhausting.

Not just for me but for you too. I could see it in the lines on your face, the black circles under your eyes and the monotonous tone of your voice as the end of the day drew closer. You were getting tired.

You were getting tired of me.

I don’t blame you Tyler, I really don’t. Every good thing you did, which was a lot, it was so much. You were so good to me. Every good thing you did ended with tears staining my cheeks and puffy eyes and screwed up tissues because I’d get overwhelmed with happy emotion until _switch_ I thought about how sad it would be when you left. How hard that would be to deal with and how much I was afraid of the end.

I was a mess. And I told you that one morning over breakfast. “I’m a mess,” I said.

“No you’re not,” you said. “You’re just slightly smudged.”

And we hugged and I cried and you comforted me and I felt guilty and you comforted me and it was okay again. And again. Good thing. Happy. Sad. Cry. Comfort. Better. Worse. Cry. Comfort. Okay. Again and again and again.

Oh Tyler, you should have left me. I would have left me.

Do you remember the tree? The old oak tree by your grandma’s house? I loved sitting under that tree with you. Taking turns sipping from the one bottle of lemonade we brought with us. I don’t know why we never thought to bring a second. I guess it felt wrong to stray from tradition. I know you sometimes pretended to take a sip so I wouldn’t feel bad about having more. I know you always preferred cookie dough ice cream but pretended to like the brownie one best so I wouldn’t feel bad about always getting my pick. I know you used to pretend you were too hot under the covers on nights where I wanted to bundle myself up in them. I know about all the selfless, wonderful things you did without saying a word. All to make me feel better. What on earth did I ever do to deserve that?

Do you remember the tree? Tyler? Do you remember it? And the song we wrote whilst laying underneath it and staring at the branches dancing in the wind? Dancing to our song, I’m sure.

If you do, Tyler. Remember the tree, I mean. Then that helps. Because that’s where I am right now. And I’ve been standing here for a while now Tyler. It’s a bit heart-breaking really. Doesn’t seem quite right without you here. The space around the trunk is too empty without you here. The space beside me in our bed is far, far too empty without-

Can I tell you something, Tyler? A secret, I guess. I’m wearing that suit you told me I should only ever wear on really special occasions. And I didn’t iron the shirt. I know, I know I should have. But you see, Tyler, I didn’t think I could do it. I couldn’t find the time. I couldn’t find the energy to lift my arm and move the damn iron. I couldn’t find a shred of motivation to do anything but get dressed and come here.

And pick up some lemonade.

You can have the whole thing, Tyler. You deserve it.

I don’t cry so much anymore. That’s good, I guess. Except now I just feel empty. I don’t really know what’s worse. I think it’s this. I think this is worse.

I need to go now. I’ve got somewhere I need to be. Something I need to say. But you know what? It doesn’t feel like anyone but you deserves to hear it.

So I should say it now.

I just want you to know, that Tyler, you are the most important thing that’s ever happened to me. And if I was slightly smudged before, I’m a page of fresh ink someone forgot not to touch now. I don’t even know where the lines are supposed to go anymore.

And that Tyler, I miss you.

And that yes, please, I wanna hold your hand. I would do anything just to hold your hand.

 

 

 

 

                                      

                              


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